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fuck. [07 Aug 2009|12:19am]
[ mood | sick ]

so, i haven't updated this in a while & so here i go.

i wish there was a way to set entire months or years of my previous posts to private, or all of my posts at one time.
anyway.

so, this year started horribly, i've; spent '08 being completely out of my mind, i am suprised that i hadent killed myself. i was unbeleivably depressed was in a daze that i couldtnt get out of. it spilled into '09 where i almost completely failed at school. I got a girlfriend, she was rediculesly cool. which was amazing because i had fallen completely out of even being able to get turned on, i lost all libido and wasnt even atracted to girls if that makes any sense. anyway she came about and blew my mind. but then i was stll suffering from depression. it took my doctors a long time to figure out a solution to the depressiona nd anxiety.

ok i am sorry this is where i have to leave you. i am about to break down. i wish that i didnt have mental problems! lol!
anyway tune in next time for camerons pathetic little journal to find out about how my sons leaving me, how his mom got married. how many cool things have happened and all about the girlfriend and the struggle to just live.......
laters.

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lifes been pretty good lately [04 Jul 2009|12:49am]
[ mood | depressed ]

but i find myself paranoid and afraid of how temporary is, 'cept cant seem to capitalize on that fact because it seems like everything lasts an eternity and am too self conscuse to face eternity alon, and not selfless enough to let anyone around me have a good start.


you know the worst people on earth to me except of druggies are liars. people that lie, work around the truth, filter the truth, not tell the whole truth, and those sick jerks who lie. i wish people would just disown me as a friend or would break up with me as opposed to cheat, or lie to make other plans. that type of shit i don;t have time for. if you want to do something else. then do it. don;t lie about doing it. if your not proud of what your doing then just don't do it, if you are going to anyways at least be honest about it. i don't judge. and i am not going to tell you not anyways.

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haha! [09 Jan 2009|12:56pm]
lol lol lol lol tehehehe.

i know it literally adressed yopu but it was actually s'pose to be private. thats not weird or embaraceing for me at all....
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[23 Oct 2008|06:47pm]
01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
26) Favorite band to listen to when you're mad?
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30) Do you swear a lot?
31) Biggest pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
34) Favourite and least favourite food?
35) Do you believe in God?
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
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F.Y.I.!!!! [22 Sep 2008|08:39am]
[ mood | tired ]

aight ch-check it out.



ON NOVEMBER! ST THERE IS IS GOING TO BE A DIA DE LOS MUERTOS (DAY OF THE DEAD) ART SHOW AND PARTY AT THE CACTUS VALLEY MEXICAN RESTAURANT. THERE WILL ALSO BE A LIVE BAND AND D.J.



SO WHAT IS GOING ON AGAIN????



- All artists are invited to enter their art to showcase it and possibly sell it at the 'Dia de los Metros' art show on November first





CRITERIA TO BE A PART OF THIS?



- CREATED, ORIGINAL ART THAT CELEBRATES THE DAY OF THE DEAD (celebration as defined by the individual artist aka-you) all mediums.



WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?



- DJ Admit One will be administering a lethal dose of medicine of the musical variety on your eardrums during the party.



-A live band will be tearing up the outside patio for your entertainment pleasure.



WHAT IS, 'DIA DE LOS MUERTOS'?



- A traditionally Mexican holiday that celebrates the lives of those who came and passed before us including; friends, family and all other loved ones. Through; music , dancing, parades and prayer the souls and memories are celebrated and remembered on November 1st which is the Day of the Dead and November 2nd which is All Souls Day.(there is some form of this holiday in nearly all countries and celebrated by many different peoples such as the celebration of Samhain or "Halloween"-"all hollows eve" which is the celebration on the eve of the day that the souls of those who passed wonder the earth with us is modern day England by the Celts, ancient Irish, British, Scott and Roman even)



We will be celebrating on that day for the same reasons but through art all types of art. Then, afterwords we will be having a party to Celebrate life the Good old fashion American way with a live band, and DJ accompanied by great food and drinks from the restaurant.

there will also be a table dedicated to the lives of those who have passed that live in our hearts.



AN UPDATE WILL BE POSTED AT A LATER DATE WITH OTHER INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE ARTIST'S SUCH AS THE DROP OFF DATE, PICK UP DATE AND ANYTHING ELSE THAT I MIGHT LEAVE OUT OF THIS.



- Cameron.

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stove top pop-corn and a rented movie. hot wings and Heroes. [15 Sep 2008|11:18pm]
[ mood | forgotten ]

Chop up your heart with my truthful tongue. Don't touch me girl until the song is done, and when
I leave you'll hear the song I've sung that is the way I'll have my fun....Sleep in creep in evidence your
leaving wish you were here so I could sleep just shy of a lie. Open up the window sill find a cold piece of
anything that I ever loved...only thing I ever loved...

Does she know my name? Doesn't mean a thing, and if my luck don't change I'll probably be the last
one standing.....standing here...probably be the last one standing here.

Does she know my name? Doesn't mean a thing, and if my luck don't change I'll probably be the
last one standing. Climb through my window please, get on my bed and freeze and if my mind don't change
I'll probably be the last one standing here...Lord, standing here....only thing I ever loved... only thing I
ever loved...only thing I ever loved...only thing I ever loved was ......

You (sleeping creep in evidence your leaving) you are the last one....

You (sleeping creep in evidence your leaving) you are the last one....

You (sleeping creep in evidence your leaving) you are the last one....

You (sleeping creep in evidence your leaving) you are the last one....

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hey write me back sweet pee [15 Sep 2008|04:52pm]
[ mood | jubilant ]

i am dieing over here.

you have no ephing clue how much i miss you.

show me a little attention, please......

i am still all retarded like no-bodies business .

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yay! [18 Aug 2008|09:08am]
[ mood | working ]

so last night i had yet another dream of you. 'cept this time i did not dream about everything being fine. like the split up just didn't happen, this time we were broken up and somehow i managed to convince you that we were perfect for each other, and i got to hold you, i then fell asleep in your arms listening to your voice, and woke up in my bed i did not feel so lonely i think i appreciated the time i had with you in my dream since for some reason i knew it was temporary. i did however feel extremely sad that my accomplishment in the dream was lost to a dream, i wonder if i am too much of a pussy to call you and spill myself to you tell you what's on my mind and whats in my heart, or do i know that it would be feudal.

i love you CARA, no -wrong, i am absolutely one hundred percent retarded over you! when i hear your voice i don't know what to say, i am struck in AWE, i think sometimes I see you around town and my stomach lifts into my chest, i have a lack of air and i can not breath- all in response to the idea of you being before my eyes, in my presence.

not a day passes that i don't visit your live journal or your my space. i miss you more than anything.

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a tree to be. [16 Jun 2008|07:30pm]
[ mood | worried ]

i am on and off
winner of a brand new tali mark that chronicles the loss
owner of a cartons of boxes on my floor board baring a stereo type of Persian transports
torchering my mind puking after a cough
i am in it for the kisses
my troubles build empires and epic poems. its where my heart is, its broken like m y fist is.
it changes like switches.
it makes me dream of digging ditches.
dumping my body when relieving whats clogging the shit thats holding it in? my wrist is.
bearers of poles, what are your names? i should apologize to you first
is this why you came? isn't that appropriately the worst.
when i finally get courageous to end the burden of my existence. someones still going to have to carry me, examine me, bury me. will you come visit me? or just let me be?


nothings exciting, nothing excites me, nothing. turn me on, good luck these days i just don't give a fuck. i notice you don't respect me. words are words are words our words our words i am a fine. for mor...................don't bother me please. don't visit me just plant me under a tree so i can be free to fly with the birds stealing my seeds taking me to feed their babies and allow me to fall and float like my dead red leaves. let me grow bigger then you. let me grow thick and hard like something I've never been. let me help the environment, let me be chopped down to keep you warm let me be chopped down to be pressed and torn. printed on by the greatest of artist. let me be all the things i want to be. a chair to be. comfortable in me. burn my body, plant me under a tree. so can be free. and don't bother on visiting me.

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pft. [16 Jun 2008|07:13pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

everyday i seem to lose more and more will power, priority seems to scew with it all seeming pointless.
i can no longer see myself being anywhere in a year i don't have a clue what or who i am going to be for the rest of my life, no direction- no meaning.

i feel like such a burden.
i feel so old.
like a pile of rotting decaying bones.


i am disappointed every morning that i wake up.

and guilty for leading on the ones that love me, making them think that i am thrilled about anything..


nothing thrills me. my behavior is m ore like that of a robot then of a human. its a weird life when you go about everything like any of it serves a purpose like i am working for something when i don't know if i am even going to last that much longer.


Grey is the color the suits me and these words describe me little. but they are all i have. the depth of myself is blowing away- wow- i don't know how much more abstractly i can get. hahaha- none of this has been that thought out, its more me venting then me updating the world, i know that nobody reads this so i don't know why i am even writing in it. or why i am explaining about me not knowing why i am writing- its the human paradox of worth. the misleading conundrums of being a drone but feeling worth- greatness. the ego of being the center of the world. it is funny how often i think about when i die and the reaction that takes place and unfolds after words, its funny that i don't die because i i know i wont be there to experience-its all fucking hilarious. i keep living because i think that its going to pass. that maybe things will change like maybe just maybe i will wake up from this god damn nightmare and i will smell love and snease from the damn dandruff and that i can live each day worshiping the fucking ground she walks on that i can put down my jacket for her to step over the puddle, that i can just get a fucking job that will be mentle torcher like being a mailman or something that will pay relatively well compared to how i am living now to be able to buy her things and stock her kitchen and all the shit i should have done. i ponder each and everyday retracing my fucking steps that led me to where i am am thinking every moment about how stupid i am for allowing myself to be an ass hole what i should have done different- what i can do to get her attention- i don't think that i even exist anymore or at least i am not worth the time for a though a jester to say hi isn't even an acceptable action- for that would be too much of a waste-


shut the fuck up cameron- get intoxicated like usual- [pull your head out of your ass and grow some fucking testicles. you punk.

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yea [15 May 2008|10:39am]
[ mood | depressed ]

so i dont think i have felt this bad in my life.

i fall asleep each night and dream a of cara and I hanging out doing whatever then i wake up and realize that the dream was a dream and the nightmare i am living in is real life and have to re-adjust to life suck worse then it ever has day after day! lately i have been just becoming really disappointed and depressed simply because i woke up, as if i don't expect to or something. i don't know i guess eventually i will understand what it is all about and come to terms with never being poo again

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chapter 1 continued [16 Jul 2007|04:40pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

....when I awoke Kevin is reaching his hand out to help me up and everyone is standing around.
"dude, are you alright?", Kevin asks
When I finnally figure out what's happend i respond with a yea yea, shut up I am okay.
But, of course it wouldnt be boxing with Kevin if he didn't rub salt in my wounds with letting me know that he's beaten me five times now out of the five times that we have fought. That he is the supreme champion over me and that no matter what I can not ever win against him. "give it time", I say.
Kevin responding, "what was that?"
"give it time"
Saving me from the embaracement of another beat down chimes Jason calling Kevin on his cell phone interupting Kevin from joining . While Kevin makes his way through the open garage door outto the driveway to chat with Jason I make my way tothe rest room to see if i am bleeding or whatever.
Apearently while i was gone a shit storm had broken out because when i came back i saw that
I suck at writing i am gong to start writing this in script format if no-one out there minds.

till next time.

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chapter 1 part a [13 Jul 2007|11:10am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

On the outskirts of a town, there is a suburban neighborhood. Inside of said suburban neighborhood there's a suburban home, and a part of this home is a magical place known as a garage. This is where people who live in the house would usually park their cars. I am assuming to protect the vehicle from the elements of nature, to thievery. And due to the doors that usually lead directly from the garage into the home parking your vehicle inside of the garage would be a kind of short cut that allows you to avoid the obstacle of walking from either the street or the driveway up to the front door to get into the house. Sometimes people will keep tools to work on their; house, cars, garden, or what ever other hobbies that they might happen to be interested in inside the garage as well. So not to be stereotypical but this garage is no different from the typical so inside there are all the things listed above spread out on the walls and tables inside of this garage. Yet, on this particular night there are no cars in this garage, instead, in its place there are five young men and one young woman whose combined ages equal to on hundred and thirty five placing everyone in their mid to early twenties.
On the concrete oil, stained ground in the garage there is metallic duct tape marking a circle where the car usually parks. Standing in the circle happens to be two of the five young males. Although both of the People have boxing gloves on and are swinging at each other only one of them seems to be landing all of their punch's this same person is managing to effortlessly dodge all of the punch's thrown at him. The other person is gracefully failing miserably at fighting, he's more like flailing his arms with a cripples finesse and he's doing a great job blocking all of his opponents punches with his face.
The skilled dodger of the punch's, the better fighter of the two, that's Kevin. He's pretty much the unspoken leader of this gang. The other person, the one that’s basically getting his ass handed to him on roasted skewer. The fool who knows he sucks at boxing but through arrogance and constant day dreaming that maybe someday god will magically grant him the skills of some great martial artist and he will kick the shit out of the other guy. The one that probably needs to pull his head out of the clouds if he wishes's to avoid this haymaker of a blow that is heading his way. Well that handsome devil just so happens to be me, Alexander the weak. And as I thought, Kevin's Haymaker connects to my head like it were target practice, no complications at all. The hit intersects my nose, sends the force with it through my skull pushing my brain against the back of my head, it bounces forward, my brain swells, momentarily cuts off oxygen, my brain goes into emergency mode, shuts off. Everything goes black, my body drops. I am a time traveler now.

By the way, this isn’t so much a story of friends, as it is a story of envy.

When I awake...

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"up early inthe morning dressed in black, and dont axe why 'cause im down in a suite and tie [13 Jul 2007|10:12am]
[ mood | amused ]

and its getting to my temple, at a funeral, thats the only time black folks get to ride in a limo. it make me want to get my sawed off, and have some bodies hauled off"
- ice cube
inspirational words that i think every person can live by.



so meaow i am going to write a little bit.

this is the opening to what we will later refer to as a short story named, "a story of friends" by Cameron Boyd.

post-face?(if there is such a thing)

up in the woods, dark and raining, four young men work hastefully to dig a whole. when that whole is finally finished at four feet deep and oblong and thin they stop. three of the four turn and walk to a sports utility vehicle parked not too far away that's preveous duty was to shine its head lights to radiate the area for the diggers to see. now it seems to reveal that it was the home to a long heavy limp something dressing in a tightly rolled bed sheet. those four young men struggle to get it out of the rear of the SUV and carry it to the whole and heave it in. they stand; gazing, starring, blankly, emotionlessly, dirty faces, wet clothed, baggy dark eyed, into the whole.

a dead man used to say, " a friend won't help you kill somebody, but a friend will help you bury the body"

end post-face(really its like a preface but the events had already happend....i dont know if post face is the real name for this term or what anyone care to enlightne me go right ahead.)

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I never post anything, [05 Jul 2007|05:04pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

this is due to my not having any friends on live journal...why do i keep one then? well i s'pose its because a) i am a loser, used to have a bunch of friends who had these and this live journal used to be very active then through maybe in part some fault on my part the activity on everyones live journal dwindled away, now i am stuck here trying to hold onto the past wich i have to say was very fun and full of passion, care free, back when we couldnt choose between all of the options of what to do that day, night, morning....now, the only thing left for me on live journal is b) to be an eye, all i do is visit my girl friends LJ, and she doesnt even update her LJ very often anyways, and i read her posts, even though i know whats going on in her life because we spend everry moment of our waking non working lifes together. uhg i am sad.

i guess at the moment i am suffering in part by boredom and being all lonely reminesant of the past.

i miss my friends, cara and i hung out with my oldest and bestest friendin the whole wide world last night on the fourth, we went to his moms house wich we do every year and its been this way for i dont know how long now. he hangs out with his girl friend all the time, myke was there wich he was part of the OG crew. we hung out ate and made some funny jokes then went back to marcus's house and pretty much all fell asleep on the couch. pretty freaking exciting right? we suck! i got today off so that i can go out and get comepletely plasterd. ideally last night i would have hung out with the whole crew, Marcus, Myke, Brian, Casey, James, Andy, Andre, Pierre, Jeb, Amanda, Jeremy, Joey, and made a huge rucous, we all would have gotten drunk and pssibly did some stuff frowned upon by seociety but we woulda did it with heart and n secret and it would have ment the world because we would have did it together, like two drunks and a dong, two robbers and being gunned down by the cops. but instead everyone with a g/f was with their g/f the ones without were being cool guys. save/myke was with us. we didnt act like bar room heros or youthful party animals we were sober drunks and robbers who servived and now rot aparty in jail. we hung out got fat and went to sleep. early. i dont know if i hate it, ifi amjust fresh in this mood i am in or amjust having a hardtime moving onto the next scene of this movie. something powerful, something needs to happen, something dramatic- not tramatic- some actiaon or event needs to happen to pump some life back into us. make me feel alive, i feel like gravity is taking its toll on me, arg! i dont know. maybe we are all growed up and i didnt notice till now. maybe its a good thing, maybe i feel like i am just begingin my evolution while everyone else has already evolved?

ah whatever. i hope we go to the concert saterday and have wayyy tooo much fun. i hope we're recless i hope we're crazy.

i hung out with an old friendabout a week ago. she was there when i was crazy we had a chanceto talkaboutit i have noticed how much i have become different, reserved, insomeways shy. in my mind- a pussy.

ok i am done rambling.

now cara come here right this second so we can eat some ephing hot dogs!



or we can go to the fox and get really drunk? eh? howabout it?

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so guess what. [23 Apr 2007|01:54am]
cara and i have been together as in "going steady" ; one year, one hour and fifty six minutes. and that makes me happy.
yesterday we went to chuys cought the end of my dads band ate some chiken, rented some movies, ...practiced doin it. then this morning we picked up her couch from the store she bought it from, wich just to let you know, its beautiful, then watched the movie "bobby" cried a tad. ate at frugattis. bomb diggity. then went and saw the "robinsons" in disny 3d. fantastic. want to do drugs and watch it again. then i came home to poo. and you know what i am thinking. i hope i can do that for the rest of my life. just do anything with her. will be perfect. the only thing i would change. is i want to go to our home so i can poo. love you babe.
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cameron lager... [07 Apr 2007|09:13am]
so i just gave conner this little wind up train that my co-worker gave him. its a littlee train and a "bannanna car" as conner calls it, a miniature track. you wind it up and it speeds off a couple of laps. and conner flipped out. he was sooo excited it was scary. i have the cutest kid ever all the rest of you ephers, need be jeleous.
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so my GF is totally away for the weekend [05 Jan 2007|10:53pm]
[ mood | straining... ]

And I’m going to party like it was 1985 and a half you know like back when I was 2 and a half years old. I’m going to chill wit me Nigga Conner McCutie balls. wow! don’t talk about the previous little nickname I don’t like him like that he's my son for gods sake! Alright already drop it! Any how I put together his remote control train set in my living room you have no clue how not fun a remote control train set is. I mean I thought it was going to be fun but that’s before I put any effort into thinking about what the fuck is going to make a remote control train set fun. I put it together and I was all excited grabbed the controller and pushed the "go" button and it went around and around and around. It can go forward backwards and stop and that shit aint fun. Its not even a little bit fun. its actually anger inducing and makes me want to break stuff wich leads me to my next topic i have an apointment with a psychologist monday. i'm just joking those nerds are worth nothing well except to be fine examples of how we live in the greatest nation ever where people can makes tons of cash manipulating peoples emotions and psyche -legally- alright enough for today i gotta poop. cammy-out!

miss you sweet pee.

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[05 Dec 2006|08:50am]
i have detirmined i have lost the witty. i havent been funny in a long time i have found too further push this theory that i said something kinda funny the other day and i got real excited. wow. all time low.
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this mornings dreams [08 Nov 2006|01:41pm]
was an on Greek or roman era mansion if that makes any since, it was like a castle made out of gold and it was in the Mesopotamian city that was made out of gold set right on the ocean and if you looked into the ocean you can see another Mesopotamian city on an island in the distance that shimmered of silver and I guess I was swimming out in the Mediterranean when i swam under water and saw a friend of mine dead from drowning and I guess i could function ridiculously fast and efficient under water like a mutant super hero but above water I was completely normal so i swam and saved my friend and when I pulled him out of the water there was this old school boat from the time with ors coming out of the sides , one sail and dragon heads on either end of the boat but the boat's deck was covered with little creepy girls with fucked up glowing pink faces, and i was like "fuck, the Phoenicians are coming and we're defenseless" super worried that they were going to attack on of our cities i kept diving underwater and saving my friends from drowning...the end.
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